The Cat in the Hat (Allan Sherman)
From the Dr. Seuss TV Special "The Cat in the Hat (1971)". "You will note, I'm neat. Wiped my feet on the mat." "Why must you... why do you sit there like that? I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, I know it is damp and the sidewalks are runny, but what I can't see... (Now, you listen here, Cat.) ...is why you'd sit there like that. I know some good games we can play. (Listen, Cat.) I know some great tricks. (Listen, Cat in the Hat.) I know that your mother won't mind if you do, and I'm simply itching to show them to you... ...and to you." "Who's that? I believe that we haven't yet met." "My dear Mr. Krinklebine, my tricks are quite safe." "I invite you to join in the fun if you wish, with a game that I call, "Up-Up-Up With a Fish"!" "It's up to you kids, whatever you say. If you think me untrustworthy send me away." "Hmm. A vote of no confidence. I most humbly bow to the voice of the majority. Goodbye now, off to Siberia." "HA! Somebody stole my moss-covered, three-handled family gradunza! Nobody's gonna leave this room until I find it!" "So, that's your attitude, eh, Krinklestein? Did you steal it? There's a gradunza-snitcher in the house. Things will never be the same." "I've been burgled... thwertled, by a fish." "Thwertled by a fish." "Oh, they come in all styles, from triple G to minus aught." "Occasionally, on most occasions naught." "They no longer make that kind, but one family gradunza is always smaller than another." "Now, if I were a fish, where would I hide a moss-covered, three-handled family gradunza?" "Wherever it is, it is left in some lurch. But wherever it is, we must speed up the search." "There are more, (clears his throat) scientific methods of searching than that." "Why, the principle of Calculatus Eliminatus, my friend." ""Calculatus Eliminatus". I went to Cat Tech, where I studied the same. What other cats do you know who can make such a claim?" "I shall indeed." "Krinkle-fish, old fellow, your little fish nerves are so jumpy-wumpy. Fishenstein, poor fellow, your little heart's going bumpy-wumpy. Fishber, old fellow, I know what you need. You need a small tranquilizer. You do, you do indeed. Poor, troubled Krinkle-fish friend, just relax, close your eyes. Your good old Uncle Cat will now proceed to tranquilize." "He needed sweet sleep in his bad-addled brains. But the problem of finding my moss-covered, three-handled family gradunza remains. Hmm. I need help, I most truly, truly do. In this box are my helpmates, Thing One and Thing Two." "From this box will emerge Thing Two and Thing One, and they can find anything under the sun." "Out?! Out?! Why, every house should have a cat in it. Curled up by the fireplace, a little warm..." "Take the Things?" "Who ever heard of a house without Things in it?" "But I am a cat. Technically, I'm a Cat in a Hat." "I am indeed a cat and this... indeed... is a hat." "Where were we? Oh yes!" "Now, if you're in a receptive state... of mind, I'll recapitulate." "By George, I think he's got it!" "I am?" "Why that's splendid!" "That's enough of that. I'm the Cat in the Hat." "Thank you... for a fascinating afternoon."