Sarah_Mil
von Gavin BennettEvenin’, you lovely lot! You alright?
(audience cheers)
Good, good. I’ve had a mare of a week. Honestly, if there was a medal for “most traumatised by underwear,” I’d have won gold, silver, and a bloody D-cup bronze.
(laughter)
So… I went for a bra fitting.
(pause, audience laughs knowingly)
Aye, I know. Some of you have tensed up already, haven’t you? Some of the blokes look confused — “What’s the problem, it’s just underwear?” Oh, pet, it’s not just underwear. It’s like therapy… but colder.
(laughter)
Now, I went to one of those posh department stores. You know the ones — where they spray perfume in your face before you even get to the escalator. You smell like regret before you’ve reached lingerie.
(laughter)
Anyway, I’d been puttin’ it off for ages. My old bra had given up. The wires had escaped. I was like a danger to aircraft.
(roaring laughter)
So, I get there, and this lovely lass comes over — she’s about twelve, looks like she’s never had a boob in her life. (pause for laughter) She says, “Hi, I’m Chloe, I’ll be doing your fitting today!”
And I’m like, “Of course you are, Chloe. Of course you are.” (deadpan)
(laughter)
She takes us into this little cubicle — you know the ones, like a sauna for self-esteem. There’s a mirror that shows everything, and lighting that makes you look like you’re starring in a documentary about shipwreck survivors.
(audience howls)
I’m stood there, she says, “Right, if you could just take off your top and bra…”
And I’m like, “Are we dating now, Chloe?”
(big laugh, Sarah smirks, tries not to crack)
She says, “Don’t worry, I’ve seen it all before.”
And I’m like, “Aye, but not mine, love! Mine are a different species!”
(audience roaring, Sarah wipes a tear)
So, I do as I’m told — I whip it off. She looks at us, squints, and goes, “Oh!”
Just… Oh!
(mass laughter, Sarah does an impression of shocked face)
That’s not what you want, is it? You don’t want your boobs to get an exclamation mark.
(laughter builds again)
Then she gets the tape measure out, wraps it round us, and goes, “Hmm. That’s… interesting.”
“INTERESTING?!” I’m not a crossword clue, pet!
(massive laughter, Sarah giggles, shakes her head)
She says, “Would you describe your breasts as… natural?”
I’m like, “They’ve definitely been through some stuff, Chloe.”
(laughs break through, audience howling)
Anyway, she goes to fetch some options. She says, “Wait here, I’ll bring a few sizes.”
I’m like, “No bother.” She leaves. And then… the door doesn’t shut properly.
(audience gasps and laughs)
It swings open. And there’s me — topless, trying to hold me dignity, one boob in each hand, like I’m auditioning for The Lion King.
(hysterical laughter)
I panic, right? So I try to close the door with me foot, but it’s one of those slippy floors, and I nearly go arse over tit. Literally!
(audience in tears, Sarah laughing now too)
I end up doing this weird half-squat, boobs swinging like church bells on Easter Sunday. A woman walks past, makes eye contact.
And you know when you try to act casual? I just went, “Alright, pet?”
(audience absolutely howling)
She nods — nods! — and carries on. Like this is normal!
(Sarah composes herself, wipes eyes, breathes)
So, Chloe comes back, right? She’s got about six bras. Six! All beige. I said, “What am I, a ghost?”
(big laugh)
She goes, “Beige is neutral.” I said, “Neutral? It’s miserable! I want something that says, ‘I’m fun but I’ll still be home by half nine.’”
(audience in bits)
Anyway, we try them on. One’s too tight, one’s too big, one’s cutting me in half. By the end, I looked like a bag of onions held together with dental floss.
(roaring laughter, Sarah snorts laughing herself)
So she says, “I think we’ve found your perfect fit!”
And I said, “Aye, love, it’s a sports bra. For a sport I’ll never do.”
(huge applause and laughter)
I left the shop with one bra, a broken spirit, and the confidence of a potato in a swimsuit.
(laughter and applause)
Moral of the story, ladies — measure yourself at home, with wine, in the dark.
(standing ovation level laughter)
Thank you, you’ve been gorgeous! Look after your boobs — and your sanity!
