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Hey Clark, you remember that time I fixed the septic tank with beer cans and rubber cement? Worked like a charm till Catherine's cat fell in. Found him three days later, clean as a whistle. Shitter was full anyway.

You're telling me for 40 years of sending my wife out to the garage to break down boxes, I could have done this.Hey, no way.

Man, these photographers are crazy, making me pose like some kind of circus animal. Standing here for hours while they're all like "turn left, smile more, chin up." Damn, I ain't no mannequin, you know what I'm saying?

Hey y'all, reckon we shoulda gone down to the creek like them others did, but we was busy with the whole family situation an' all. Ain't that just how things work out sometimes, ain't it?

I tell you what, this weather's been about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Ain't seen rain in so long, the catfish are carrying canteens. Billy down the road tried watering his garden yesterday - looked like a chicken trying to milk a cow.

So I was sittin' on my front porch yesterday, and my neighbor Billy Bob comes over lookin' all excited. Says to me, "You heard about ol' Jimmy's fishin' trip?" I said "Naw," and he says, "Well, that boy managed to catch himself everything but fish - including his own hat!"

Well butter my biscuit and call me a scientist! I just invented this here contraption that turns regular acorns into underwater breathing devices. Y'all wanna help me test it out? Spongeebob, Patrick, where'd those two critters run off to now?

Hey tough guy, let me tell you something about my grandma's cooking. She could make a mean stew in that steel pot of hers, same hands that worked on those 45 calibers. Yeah, I learned from the best, both cooking and gunsmithing. Ain't that something?