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If you go to a barbecue at my white friend’s house, they got games I never even heard of. They’re playing cornhole and frisbee while the meat is still in the package. I’m just standing there with an empty plate like, is there a timer for the chicken?

You know how Nigerian mothers be like when you fail exam? If you be tall boy, she go say "you too tall to fail!" If you be short, she go say "even your height no reach pass mark!" If you fat, she go compare your size with your brain. Na comedy we dey live!

It’s honestly wild how everything comes back around when you stay the course. I remember being that kid in the back of the room, just hoping for a shot at the mic. Now, standing on this stage, it’s the ultimate full-circle moment I always dreamed of having.

Capitão, o que está acontecendo agora? Ah não, as máquinas estão fazendo barulhos muito estranhos! Pessoal, corram para o outro lado, rápido! Caramba, eu não sei o que fazer com esse botão vermelho! Me ajudem, por favor! O que eu faço agora?

Muchachos, les cuento que ayer fui a comprar un traje de pingüino sexy para mi show en Yupilandia, pero me confundí y terminé con un disfraz de pollito bebé. Igual me lo puse y bailé hasta que se me cayeron las plumas, que locura ve.

Oh, you think working at the pet store's grooming salon is all about making cute puppies look adorable? Well sweetie, wait until you meet Mr. Grumpy, the hundred-pound Saint Bernard who absolutely hates baths. Guess who's getting soaked today? That's right - you!

Hey so like yesterday I was trying get my shoes tied but the laces keep doing that thing where they go sideways and my cat sitting there watching me like what even happening bro then I forgot where put my other sock probably under couch maybe.

Listen mi tell yuh dis, when mi step inna di party, everybody know mi name. No gyal can test mi style, and if any man waan chat, dem haffi come correct. Mi nah play when it come to mi respect, yuh hear dat?