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I’m literally one more group project away from a felony. Jeannie thinks she’s special because she cries in the bathroom, but honestly, that’s just a Tuesday for anyone with a brain. This whole town is a black hole of failed dreams and shitty fast food. It’s pathetic.

Honestly, being here is worse than getting swatted by a twelve-year-old on Xbox Live. It's like everyone in this building shared a collective lobotomy over summer break. If I have to listen to another 'meaningful' assembly, I’m literally going to jump off the bleachers and hope for the best.

Look at your cheap headphones. Mine are expensive ones, way better than yours. Oh no, did I just break them? Whatever, not my problem. I don't care what you say. Let's go shopping instead. I want ice cream. This is so fun!

إِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وَإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِينُ

Oh my god, is that really him? It’s Cristiano Ronaldo, oh my god, it’s actually Ronaldo! No way, dude, you’re the GOAT, you’re the actual goat, oh my god! I can’t believe it, man, you’re really standing right here! Ronaldo, oh my god!

Yo, that's like super duper... what's the word... spectaclicious? Spectac... spectacular? No, that's not it. Someone posted something about being spectaclicious today and I'm like, what the heck, what the heck is that even supposed to mean?

Oh hell yeah, look at this. It is like Peter Parker, more like Peter Barker, I love you, Christopher Car-door. I think I am melting into the floorboards right now, it is getting very weird. Keep it real and stay spicy. Bye guys.

When the stars come out tonight, little creatures, I will judge your special moves. don't worry if you mess up, because everything is just for fun fun fun. Sometimes I think maybe you don't understand my special way of entertaining, but that's okay okay okay.