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I was sitting in this cafe the other day, just watching people, and I realized I don't recognize half the stuff kids are doing now. It’s like the world just kept spinning and I stayed in the same spot. It makes you feel kind of invisible, you know?

After fifteen years, marriage feels less like a music video and more like high-stakes Tetris. You're just trying to fit the chores and kids' schedules together. We used to have that prime Shaq energy, but now we’re just happy if we can finish a movie without someone snoring on the couch.

Donald, you're clearly still obsessed with me, and honestly, it’s getting a little sad. You keep throwing these tantrums and making up stories, but you're just proving how much I'm living rent free in your head. Maybe it's time to focus on the facts for once, dude.

Quiero mandar otro saludo muy especial a toda mi gente en España. Me siento realmente afortunado de estar rodeado de tanto cariño. Lo del turco ha sido una sorpresa maravillosa, de verdad. Un fuerte abrazo para todos y nos vemos muy pronto en el camino.

Listen, I just found out you can fix a squeaky door with cooking spray. I mean, for twenty years I've been dealing with this noise, buying fancy oils and stuff. My wife's gonna think I'm crazy, but man, it actually works!

Hahha! how can you even say that.

It’s honestly insane how people treat the cinema like their own backyard. I rewatched Hereditary recently, and that sense of visceral dread was nearly ruined by some idiot on their phone. True immersion requires absolute silence, otherwise, the oppressive atmosphere and brilliant sound design just don't land.

Y'all really don't get it, man. This motherfucker keeps trying to play the victim but y'all don't see the real shit. This dude is dangerous, popping up at my kids' school and thinking it's a joke. If y'all love him so much, let him live with you then. Real talk.