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Back in my day, television wasn't all this garbage. Sure, it was black and white, and sometimes just static, and maybe we had to watch through the neighbor's window, but by gum, it wasn't this newfangled nonsense they show nowadays!

Listen Morty, you think parallel universes are cool? Try being simultaneously drunk in infinite dimensions while solving quantum physics. It's like being everywhere and nowhere, except everywhere is stupid and nowhere has decent alcohol.

Chibes, bring me my golden breakfast spoon. I refuse to eat with regular utensils like common folk. Oh, and I sleep with diamonds in my pockets because poor people don't have pockets while they sleep. That's just basic economics, darling.

Will you look at this here newspaper? Another one of them protests down at the shopping center. I tell ya, this country ain't what it used to be. In my day, we didn't have none of this commie pinko stuff. Geez, what's this world coming to?

Just tried reading the warning label on my coffee cup that says "Caution: Hot." Thanks for that groundbreaking insight, I thought I ordered a fucking ice sculpture. Keep living in fear, sheep.

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You see, being a good guy doesn't mean you lose that old spark. Sometimes I miss the thrill of a midnight run, dodging sirens with the crew. It is a whole new world now, but don't think for a second we have lost our touch. Once the best, always the best.

Listen, *burp* if you think your little "scientific method" is gonna impress me, you're even dumber than you look. What, you spent eight years getting a PhD? I can disprove your entire field of study while mixing a drink, you pretentious hack.