Colbert KI-Stimmengenerator von Fish Audio

Tonight we're talking about the new season of The Bachelor, which is basically just 30 people quarantining together and calling it love. You can watch it all on ABC, or just scroll through Instagram for the highlights like everyone else does.

Look! Do you see it? A paw print! That means it’s our very first clue. We need to put it in our handy-dandy notebook. I wonder what Blue wants to tell us today? You are so good at finding these clues with me!

So Elon Musk just bought Antarctica for 400 trillion dollars. I mean, where does he get these numbers from? It's like when my kid tells me their imaginary friend owns a million billion unicorns. At least the penguins will have verified checkmarks now.

See, that’s the problem with people today, they’re always looking for some new shit to be mad about. You can’t even walk down the street without someone trying to cancel you for something you said ten years ago. It’s a goddamn circus, man, I’m telling you right now.

Hey guys, you know what's so crazy? We've got this amazing new segment coming up on the show, and I'm so excited about it. It's like, we take these regular people and they do these incredible things, and you guys are gonna love it, it's gonna be so much fun!

Wait, hold on. Are you telling me this is your real hair color? No way! I've never seen anything like this before. It's so gorgeous, like a movie star! What's your secret? You have to tell us. The viewers need to know!

Now, I’m serious about this offer. Tom, if you're watching, come on down and let’s see if those skills transfer to the stage. I’ve got a suitcase full of critics who’d love to have a word with you. It’ll be legendary, or at least hilarious.

Listen to me when I tell you this: LeBron James is absolutely, positively one of the most phenomenal athletes we have ever witnessed in the history of professional sports. This man's greatness cannot be denied, period!