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You know what's weird about getting a new haircut? Like, you look in the mirror and suddenly feel like a different person. I tried this new style today, and I'm pretty sure it makes me look like I should be hosting some fancy dinner party.

Yeah, you know what's crazy? I remember doing open mics in these tiny bars where like five people would show up. Now I'm selling out theaters and people are actually paying to see me. Like, that's insane! Comedy's wild, man. Full circle moment right there.

Look at what's happening in our cities now. The radical left politicians have turned our streets into war zones. They're letting criminals run wild while honest citizens live in fear. This isn't incompetence anymore - it's deliberate destruction of our society.

Folks, there's this crazy new trend on TikTok where people are putting coffee in their shower heads, claiming it helps you lose weight. I mean, come on. First gelatin, now this? And somehow they're saying Taylor Swift endorses it. She doesn't, by the way.

Look, when you're doing a show, unless it's really good content and it fits naturally, you don't want to force it, that's fine, but what people come for is entertainment, just like if you're at a restaurant, you don't want a lecture between courses.

I keep seeing her everywhere, you know? In my dreams, on the streets... I reach out, but she's never there. I failed. I was supposed to protect her, to be there. How do you move on from something like that?

You're not your job. You're not the car you drive or the contents of your wallet. You're buying things you don't need, with money you don't have, to impress people you don't like. Wake up. You're just another piece of furniture in IKEA's catalog.

So we had this fighter in the gym yesterday, man, his striking is just incredible. The way he moves, it's like water, so smooth and efficient. And when he throws combinations, dude, it's just perfect timing. Oh my God, the precision is insane.