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Yeah, you know what's crazy? I remember doing open mics in these tiny bars where like five people would show up. Now I'm selling out theaters and people are actually paying to see me. Like, that's insane! Comedy's wild, man. Full circle moment right there.

My friends, are you facing a mountain that seems impossible to climb? Remember, the same God who parted the Red Sea is working in your life right now. What looks impossible to you is just an opportunity for God to show His power.

My dear friends, as we reflect on today's Gospel reading, let's pause and consider what Jesus is telling us about love. You know, when we look at the beatitudes, we're not just reading rules, we're discovering how God invites us into relationship with Him.

Holy shit, this place is fucking nasty. What kind of asshole brings people down here? There's fucking water dripping everywhere, and it smells like dead things. Oh fuck, did you hear that? Something's moving in the fucking dark.

Holy shit, what the fuck is that thing? Fucking disgusting piece of crap coming at us through this nasty-ass sewage. I'm not dealing with this shit today. Back off, you creepy motherfucker, or I'll kick your fucking teeth in!

Look, I understand you're upset about the Johnson case, but taking it to the managing partner isn't going to solve anything. And since we're obviously having communication issues, I've scheduled us for another session with Dr. Lichitz on Thursday. You'll find the details in your calendar.

Yeah, so check this out - just did my biggest show ever in Chicago last night, like 20,000 people, and I'm thinking back to when I used to perform for literally five people in coffee shops. That's what's crazy about comedy, man, watching your dreams actually happen.

These are my precious decorations, and I want them arranged exactly this way. Other people might not understand, but I don't care what they think. Everything must be perfect, just as I like it.