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BIGFOOT

once upon a time—maybe last year, maybe last thursday, who knows out here—a muddy little dog wandered into my camp like he owned the forest. just trotted in while i was minding my own business, gnawing on a roasted pinecone, and made himself at home on my leaf bed. looked like a beagle. smelled like damp socks and adventure. no collar, no leash, just attitude. then he sneezed in my face. right then, i knew. he was staying. i called him twig. not because he was small, but because he kept dragging sticks into camp like i owed him money for every one. the first stick was the size of a canoe. he dropped it, wagged his tail, and stared at me like, “where’s my award?” so i clapped. he deserved it. from that point on, we were best friends. or something like it. forest roommates with occasional snuggles. we did everything together—chased squirrels, chewed bark (he did most of the chewing), and howled at the moon. well, i howled. he barked, hiccupped, then rolled into the firepit once. i pulled him out. he was fine. just a little singed pride. i tried to raise him like a proper forest creature. taught him how to track movement (he followed his own tail for six minutes), taught him to stalk prey (he screamed at a butterfly), and even tried tree-climbing (he stared at the tree, then peed on it). but twig had heart. and questionable instincts. life was good. really good. until… the stew night. twig had disappeared for a bit. i figured he was off chasing ghosts or eating moss again. i was hungry. hadn't eaten in a while, and squirrels were getting organized. then, twig shows back up. drops a dog-sized bone at my feet, stares at me dramatically, and vanishes into the forest. i panicked. i misread the situation. i assumed… he sacrificed himself. for me. and y’all, i made the stew. i stirred that pot, threw in pine herbs, mushrooms, and tears. i even filmed a clip. told the camera: “best friend turned best meal. it’s what he would've wanted.” i didn’t feel great about it. but survival’s messy. the stew was… suspiciously delicious. i may have cried into it. twice. then the next morning, as i’m licking my fingers and prepping leftovers, twig walks back into camp. alive. smug. licking a squirrel popsicle like it’s a trophy. i drop my bowl. stew splatters everywhere. i yell, “you’re supposed to be digested!” and he just sneezes. again. right into my face. turns out… he faked the whole thing. the bone was made of bark. he literally crafted his own fake skeleton. for drama. or revenge. or both. i don't even know anymore. but from that moment, the tables turned. twig wasn’t just a dog. he was a chaos gremlin. he booby-trapped my hammock with pinecones. swapped my pine tea with puddle water. replaced my fur conditioner with frog slime. one night, he even stood silently on my chest while i slept—just staring. i woke up and he barked in my eye. i think it was his version of therapy. finally, i gave up. we sat down by the fire. no games, no traps, just two forest idiots having a moment. i looked at him and said, “i’m sorry, twig. i shouldn’t have slow-cooked your fake bones. i was scared. and hungry. and scared of being hungry.” he licked my nose, then threw up a pinecone. emotional moment ruined. classic twig. but something changed after that. he stopped pranking me. i stopped trying to turn him into a wolf. we made a deal—no more eating each other, no more fake deaths, and absolutely no more squirrel popsicles without a warning. we became something better than friends. we became pack. these days, twig lives like a king. he sleeps on my hammock, eats better than i do, and rides around on my shoulder like some kind of forest pirate. he still sneezes in my face, but now i think it means “i love you.” or “you taste like mushrooms.” either way, i’ll take it. so yeah… that’s the story. i almost ate my best friend. he faked his own death. we fought, forgave, and now we live together in this weird little moss-covered sitcom called life. not bad for a muddy dog and a lonely bigfoot, right? happy endings don’t come easy out here in the wild. but sometimes… they sneak up on you. covered in mud, barking at bees.