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I'm gonna like, totally hammer you down

So this guy on Tinder said he wants someone who's "authentic and natural," but his profile has seven filtered photos, and he's clearly standing on his tiptoes in all of them. Like, honey, let's talk about authentic when you're not using FaceTune to edit your jawline.

Honestly, if I see another person post a 'day in the life' video where they just rot in bed, I am going to lose it. Nobody cares that you stayed in your room all day. It's not relatable content, it's just boring. Seriously, shut up and go outside.

Like, God forbid I actually express myself differently sometimes. Oh my God, people are so dramatic about everything. I literally can't even with these comments anymore. Like, sorry I have a personality? Anyways, whatever, I'm done explaining myself.

Like honestly, you can totally tell who peaked in middle school because they're the ones who still post those throwback Thursday pictures every week like okay we get it you were pretty at thirteen and had perfect hair but like some of us had to develop personalities.

So I got this really cute cropped sweater, and I'm thinking maybe pair it with these high-waisted jeans. Like, the blue is perfect together. And then maybe these white sneakers? I don't know, might add a necklace if it feels too plain.

Listen, I am heading into another massive deal right now, but I wanted to make sure you all feel truly honored. My very, very, very, very successful life keeps me moving, so please stay humble and appreciate that I am sharing my incredible energy with you today.

Oh my God, you guys, we're finally here at the beach! Look at this amazing view! Hey Sarah, come over here, you have to see this! I'm literally so excited, this is going to be the best day ever. Can you believe how perfect the weather is?