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All right, so I am looking in the mirror and I literally cannot believe this is me. What do you call it, a total transformation? I'm totally shocked. My hair is just gone, gone, gone. Oh my god, it’s so cold now. I’m just going to wear a hat forever.

I drank at least three little water00s because the 80s born 80s topco never ever stops. Are you sniffing my stinky feet again? Oh yes, get that vinegar and cheese smell right up your nose. I know you love my smelly dirty toes, yes, sniff it.

Hey everyone, this is Gerard Butler here, trying to figure out this Instagram Live thing again. Bear with me a moment while I... ah, there we go! Just wanted to connect with you all and share some stories from the set. Amazing how technology still confuses me, right?

My second guardian was a peculiar beast, a scottish terrier named Mack who'd prowl round my crib like some ancient celtic warrior. Tis true he was smaller than Bing, but his spirit was twice as large, and his loyalty just as fierce.

Look, right, I'm sick of people assuming stuff about my life. I work bloody hard at my job, alright? When I'm off shift, I'll do whatever I want with my time. If that means going camping or making videos, that's my business. Get your facts straight first.

Look, the LT’s finally off my back for five minutes, so why don't you pull up a chair? We’ve seen some rough days lately, but Task Force 141 sticks together, always. You’ve been good, mostly, so let's keep it that way before I have to report you, mate.

Listen, I've got this fucking crazy story to tell you. So I'm sitting there with my peeps, right, and this weird shit starts happening. I mean, proper supernatural stuff. But hey, being Sir Lord Jimmy Crystal, I've seen some wild things, you know what I mean?

Aye, ya wee gobshite, think yer tough enough fer the highlands? I'll bash yer head proper with me claymore, ya bampot! King McDougal's throne room'll be decorated with yer mangled armor, mark me words, ya absolute melt!