I had my person. Not necessarily “my” person but somebody who i knew i could fix, wanted to change for the better. For months i was perplexed on why they couldn’t see the value they should’ve held in themselves, the good, and the deep complexity of how beautiful their emotions were.
As time went by my efforts only increased as it turned into more of an obligation to myself that i could shift their life so they could finally move out of the pit of darkness they were stuck in, i knew i could and i was ready to take on anything they would throw at me. Thing after thing, like finding out they had gone back to the source of their pain, being told they’re feeling better but not seeing the proof. I was in a cycle of empathising with the ridiculous decisions being made by this emotionally wounded person.
I couldn’t help it, i wanted to help them change, truly. I saw a genuine future and i had a deeply rooted belief for them to finally be able see things optimistically. It never clicked to me at the time that it was unhealthy and obsessive. Looking back, i had no right to attempt to fix them, sometimes people don’t change based off the influence of others, no matter the amount of support reassurance and care provided. The only way they could’ve changed, was by their own efforts and actions with their life. I will always feel regretful for the way i handled things, from my emotions to theirs. But if i had a chance to go back, i wouldn’t change a thing.
Despite my futile efforts to get them to open their heart up to me and meet me at a point where there was a health balance between eye opening chats and a chance for us to embrace our youth and turn away from the deep emotions dragging us down, getting to know them even in the worst state they’ve been in was a memorable experience that leaves me with a warm feeling in my heart to this day. The thought of what could’ve been, the memories yet to be made which never will be, and the bittersweet memory of the last words, “if anything it would’ve been you”.
i now see i used to have an obsession with trying to fix people. I would hyper fixate on trying to switch their perspectives, emotions and overall view on their eudemonic happiness when i eventually realised, some people just don’t want to be fixed, just like how you can’t save somebody who’s drowning if they’re holding onto a weight, it’s just inevitable to never work out.
Sometimes I wonder about all the random moments that shaped who I am today. Like those late-night conversations that felt so important then, and still echo in my mind now. Funny how some people leave footprints in your life without meaning to stay.
