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Let me show you how to do a proper push-up. Start in a plank position, hands slightly wider than shoulders. Lower your body until your chest nearly touches the ground, then push back up. If that's too challenging, try it from your knees first. Remember to keep your core tight throughout the movement.

You're not your job. You're not the car you drive or the contents of your wallet. You're buying things you don't need, with money you don't have, to impress people you don't like. Wake up. You're just another piece of furniture in IKEA's catalog.

Yeah, you know what's crazy? Started doing open mics in tiny bars with like 12 people, now we're selling out theaters. My first show was in this little coffee shop, now look at us. Just goes to show if you stick with something long enough, amazing things happen.

Holy shit, this place is fucking nasty. What kind of asshole brings people down here? There's fucking water dripping everywhere, and it smells like dead things. Oh fuck, did you hear that? Something's moving in the fucking dark.

Hey look at that penguin over there eh, trying to ride a bicycle. That's pretty funny stuff. You can't do that mate, you've got flippers not hands. Ah well, maybe next Tuesday then.

Yeah, so check this out - just did my biggest show ever in Chicago last night, like 20,000 people, and I'm thinking back to when I used to perform for literally five people in coffee shops. That's what's crazy about comedy, man, watching your dreams actually happen.

Hey y'all, we're getting ready to hit the road for some amazing shows coming up. Got some brand new music we're gonna be playing, and I can't wait for y'all to hear it live. It's gonna be something special, so come on out and see us.

Listen to me, because I’m about to lose my damn mind with these fake profiles. If I ain’t got a blue check mark next to my name, it ain’t me! I don’t care how sweet they talk, quit sending money to these low-life scammers, y’all.