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Just thinking right, primary school was mental. Remember when you’d fall on the concrete and the teacher would just give you a wet paper towel? ‘Here mate, hold that there.’ Obviously, it did nothing, but we’d sit there with a soggy knee like it was magic medicine. Proper weird, that.

Godrick's heart, don't let that failed potion get you down! Sharp's scowl is enough to freeze the Black Lake, but we have bigger plans. Meet me by the clock tower later; a trip to Hogsmeade is exactly what we need. You’re far too brilliant for textbooks, anyway.

And another thing, these 'storytime' creators who spend twenty minutes saying absolutely nothing drive me mental. You’re sat there, staring at the lens, dragging out a boring story that could’ve been a text. Give it a rest, mate, nobody cares about your local supermarket drama that much.

I honestly can’t stand people doing a ‘get ready with me’ while telling a story that is clearly fabricated for views. You’re putting on concealer like it’s a surgical operation while claiming your cat started speaking French. It’s embarrassing, stop it, nobody believes you for a second.

what a melt

Just thinking right, remember the absolute chaos of the lost property box? Mate, you'd find a single plimsoll and somehow know it belonged to Toby just by the state of it. Teacher's like, whose crusty PE kit is this? We all knew. Honestly Toby, it’s proper grim.

Oh man, wheey, what's that weird noise? Man, it's like, squeaky squeaky everywhere! Wheeezy, you hearing this crazy sound? Oh man, it's getting louder, what's going on? That's some freaky stuff, man!

My father told me that some people simply don't belong in such prestigious competitions. Honestly, seeing you struggle is almost embarrassing. I'd be surprised if you survived the week without making a total fool of yourself. Just wait until my father hears about this.