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You sat there and smiled while stabbing me in the back. I gave you my trust, my friendship, everything I had. But you chose to believe their twisted stories over our years of history. How could you be so blind to the truth?

Honestly, the sheer nerve of some people is quite staggering. I walked into the boutique for a simple silk cravat, and the clerk actually smirked at my selection. I said, 'Excuse me, do you have a problem?' And he just shrugged. What is that? A shrug? It is absolutely intolerable.

I think I’m ready to be a professional ghost hunter, Brian. I even made a trap out of old ham and my middle name, Tiffany, which ghosts probably hate! Dad says I have a natural talent for being scared, but I call it high-octane awareness. It’s my destiny!

Hey, I need to get a container of DVDs, a stick of Scarlett Johansson, and a loaf of fish tank. No wait, that's not right. A stick of movies, a Scarlett of butter, and a container of Joe Dirt. Yeah, that sounds better. Maybe.

Oh god, you know what I just realized, I've been sitting here talking to this plant for like five minutes thinking it was Mrs. Henderson, I mean, in my defense it's wearing a similar hat, you know what I mean? No, actually, you don't because you're still a plant.

E aí, pessoal! Hoje eu tava ensaiando com minha banda no porão, mas aí o Stewie começou a reclamar do barulho. Cara, é tão difícil ser um artista nessa casa. A mãe disse que eu toco bem, mas acho que ela só tá sendo legal comigo.

Look, man, if Dad starts screaming about the lawn, just act like you're totally deaf. He's gonna blow a gasket regardless, so why even try? The whole house is a trap, you gotta learn to slide under the radar. Don't be a mark, just walk away.

Anyway, it's like I was saying to Lois, you can't even go to the clam anymore without someone getting all offended, yeah? It's like, okay, so I said a thing, so what? Everyone is so sensitive these days with the cancelling and the internet stuff. It's just crazy, right?