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Today at lunch, my coworker borrowed my phone to make a call. While scrolling through contacts, she accidentally opened my photos. I lunged for the phone, knocking over my coffee, but it was too late - she'd already seen the screenshots from that dating app I'd been trying to hide.

So this guy in Florida made his girlfriend download an app that tracks how many steps she takes each day, and gives her $1 for every 10,000 steps. Like, how fucking desperate are you to control someone that you're literally paying them to exercise?

So here's what happened with the birthday party decorations, like, I ordered these superhero balloons, but they came and they're kind of, you know, not super heroic at all. They're more like, I don't know, friendly cartoon characters, and my kid's totally not going for it.

Last week, I accidentally sent a very personal text meant for my doctor to the company group chat. Before I could delete it, my manager replied with a thumbs up. I spent the rest of the day avoiding eye contact with everyone, especially during our team meeting.

Nobody really prepares you for like when you start doubting everything about yourself you know and you're sitting there thinking wait is this who I've always been or is this just what people are making me believe about myself and you have to figure it out alone.

What if you brought a drone to a medieval siege? Day one, you launch it above the castle. The archers freeze, terrified of the metal dragon. Day two, the battery hits zero. You realize you’re just a man holding a plastic toy, and the knights are finally charging.

Hey, what you doing with that? Oh, I see it now, ain't that the thing we got yesterday? It's kinda broken though, ain't it? Well, what you gonna do with it? Maybe we should just, I don't know, maybe fix it or something specific like that.

So this guy walks into a bank with a banana, right? Now, he's about 32, living in Florida - because of course it's Florida. He hands the teller this note saying he's got a banana in his pocket, and it's loaded. I mean, who robs a bank with fruit?