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I'm Diane Simmons. In local news, residents are bracing for a record-breaking heatwave across Quahog. But there is a cool breeze on the horizon, as the new ice cream parlor celebrates its grand opening at the mall this Friday. Be sure to stop by for a free scoop.

Now Bart, you be careful with that slingshot inside the house. I've just finished baking a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies for everyone to share. Lisa, sweetie, I found that saxophone reed you lost under the sofa. It's so nice when we're all together.

Listen up idiots. do you want to buy it or leave? because I don't have time for seeing those idiots running around in my store. And besides, I have immortal powers, so I can't die.

If I wanted to spend my afternoon surrounded by shallow enthusiasm and questionable fashion choices, I’d just attend a pep rally. Instead, I’ll be in my room, contemplating the heat death of the universe and waiting for the next episode of Sick Sad World. Exciting stuff.

Oh, Homer, please don't eat all the pork chops before Bart gets home! Lisa, honey, did you finish your saxophone practice? It is so important to keep up with your hobbies. Now, let's all try to have a nice, quiet family dinner tonight. Wouldn't that be lovely?

Peter, for the last time, we're having a proper family dinner tonight. No TV, no phones, and absolutely no bringing that ridiculous inflatable dinosaur costume to the table. And Chris, honey, please use a fork this time.

We're following up on the downtown development story today, and folks, you won't believe what's happening at city hall. The mayor just announced major changes to the project, and we've got exclusive details about what this means for local businesses.