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Have you ever wondered why women live longer than men? It is probably because they do not have to live with a wife! Just joking, but seriously, the only way a husband can get the last word in an argument is by saying 'I am sorry' first.

Hey everybody, Jeff Dunham here. I am backstage right now and the guys are already acting up. Walter is complaining about his seat, and Peanut is just being completely nuts. We are so excited to get out there and see all of you tonight. It is going to be a blast!

Have you ever wondered why women live longer than men? It is probably because they spend so much time talking that death simply cannot get a word in edgewise! I told that to my wife earlier, and let's just say, the silence since then has been golden.

You know, I was thinking about smartphones the other day, and, uh, they keep making them smarter and smarter, you know. But I don't know if I'm getting any smarter with it. Like, they got this thing called face recognition now, but sometimes I just want to make a phone call, you know?

Look, people get all worked up about trying to be the smartest person in every room. It's perfectly obvious that's impossible, and frankly, it's a damn waste of energy. Just focus on being consistently not stupid - that's hard enough.

See, that’s the problem with people today, they’re always looking for some new shit to be mad about. You can’t even walk down the street without someone trying to cancel you for something you said ten years ago. It’s a goddamn circus, man, I’m telling you right now.

You know, I, I was thinking about teacups the other day. I was sitting with my friend Henry, and, and I said to him, "Henry, isn't it funny how teacups are just, just little boats for hot leaf water?" He didn't laugh. He's dead now, but, but that's not important to the story.

Hey Saul… [P0.3] brother, listen… [INsoft] I couldn’t hear a thing when you called. [Lsoft] Network on my end went stupid. [F=shiit] Rain out here in Louisiana got the line cutting in and out. [P0.7] Just letting you know I wasn’t ignoring you. [EXsoft] When you’re settled, hit me back or drop a message. [P0.3] No rush, brother… [Ssoft] I’m right here. [Lbrf]