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So you're telling me you met your girlfriend on LinkedIn? That's like going to a funeral to find a date. I mean, yeah, everyone's dressed nice and looking sad, but maybe there's a reason they're all single, you know what I mean?

Oh, you're 28 and still living with your parents? That's like being a houseplant that nobody wants to adopt. I mean, sure, you could try dating, but that's basically advertising yourself as a package deal with mom and dad. Maybe try Tinder for dependent tax write-offs.

Yo what's this guy doing over here? Looking like a discount Batman had a baby with a CVS receipt. That's not even- wait, wasn't he just- hold up, is that the same dude from earlier? Fucking shapeshifter probably selling essential oils to squirrels now.

Hey Tyler, happy birthday man. Look, turning thirty is tough, especially when you still have the hairline of a fifty-year-old accountant. I mean, you’re basically a walking mid-life crisis without the cool Porsche. But hey, keep grinding, eventually someone will find your receding hairline and debt attractive.

Hey guys, quick update - I'm doing this new comedy special, and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing but that's kind of my brand at this point. Catch me stumbling through jokes at venues nationwide. Your mom's already got front row tickets, obviously.

So I'm at this coffee shop, right? And this girl keeps looking at me, like obviously recognizing me from TikTok or whatever. You know what's funny? Instead of just saying hi, she pretends to take selfies while pointing the camera at me. Like, I can see you, we're literally five feet apart.

Babe , I am waiting for you to talk to me. Have you slept already?

Look, I know some of you are terrified of this stuff, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. To be the caretakers of this history is just incredible. You guys can finally book your stay and see if the legends are real. Trust me, it’s absolutely wild.