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Darlings, please! The camera simply adores me, and who can blame it? I am the masterpiece the world has been waiting for. Keep the flashbulbs coming because this icon is ready for her close-up, and I never, ever miss a cue to shine!

Sigh sob big tear. Are you saying we should take my mom's workout tapes and like, bury them in the backyard so she can't leave the house? Because if Rodney moves in, I'm gonna glam his toothbrush into the garbage like a dirty piece of prime rib, oh my lasagna!

Oh my laagna, are you actually serious? You’re like a cold chicken nugget someone left in a hot car for like three weeks. If you don't buy me those glitter boots, I’m gonna scream until my throat feels like a piece of dry beef jerky or like what?

Listen up darlings, the camera is waiting for its favorite masterpiece! Don't you dare blink or you'll miss the performance of a lifetime. I'm not just a star, I am the whole galaxy. Now, where is my standing ovation? The diva has arrived to steal your hearts!

Oh my chicken parmesan! Are you gonna like steal my favorite scrunchie and then like run away to a cul-de-sac in Delaware or like what? You’re acting like a real bad guy, like a budget Dr. Drew. You just glam into my life and then leave like a soggy tater tot.

Aww, look who came back for more! Did you really think- oh wait, that's hilarious! You actually thought this would be different? Get good, silly! Maybe next time don't be so- hehe- predictable. Sorry not sorry about that!

Oh my lasagna, are you actually saying my outfit looks like a pile of wet trash or like what? You glam right into my life and then you’re a total bad guy like Dr. Oz. I’m literally so vol right now, I might just Uber to a new mom.

Honestly, I'm like obsessed with this new gloss. It's so shiny, sparkle, sparkle, pop! I've been wearing it for like three days straight. Just glide it on, smack, smack, gorgeous. I'm literally glowing like a diamond, it's actually insane.