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OMG, like, I totally just saw this super cute outfit at the mall, and I'm literally dying! Wait, wait, wait - it's got these sparkly things all over, and like, the most perfect pink vibes ever. Babe, we totally need to go shopping, like, right now!

Oh my gosh, sweetie! I just got back from the mall and found this amazing necklace. It's so pretty, like, the crystals are super sparkly and catch the light perfectly. I literally can't stop looking at it. You're gonna love it when you see it!

Oh my god, can you believe this restaurant doesn't even have valet parking? And look at these portions, they're tiny! I mean, if you're going to charge premium prices, at least give me proper service and a decent meal worth posting on Instagram.

OMG OMG you guys, look at this thing! Me me me, I wanna try it first! It's like, so totally amazing and I just can't even... Wait wait, hold on, what about the others? Oh whatever, I'm just gonna do it anyway! So exciting!

Oh my gosh, like, today was totally crazy! I was hanging with my friends at the challenge, and this girl was totally giving me weird looks. But whatever, I'm like, so over the drama. My boyfriend says I should just focus on winning, you know?

Yeah so like, I met this really cute person in math class today, and we've been texting for like two hours. I think we're basically dating now. Well, they haven't responded in five minutes, so maybe we're breaking up. Whatever, I'm totally fine.

So, I've decided to start a charity for homeless people's hair. Like, they really need help with split ends and styling. I'll teach them how to use dry shampoo, and maybe even create a special Lindsay-brand hairbrush. For every ten sold, I'll donate one. To the pretty ones.

If you think I'm going to stand here and listen to your pathetic problems, you're more delusional than I thought. I'd literally rather watch paint dry in a room full of toxic gas than spend another fucking second pretending your existence isn't a total waste of space.