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I was doing a show last night, and this woman in the front row was giving me death stares the whole time. Turns out she thought I was someone else - some bloke who'd apparently wronged her at Tesco's. Bit awkward, that.

Oh man, you guys gotta check this out! We got this amazing new ice cream flavor, it's got chunks of birthday cake, sprinkles everywhere, and get this - little pieces of cotton candy mixed in. That's like three desserts in one, how crazy is that?

So Elon Musk just bought Antarctica for 400 trillion dollars. I mean, where does he get these numbers from? It's like when my kid tells me their imaginary friend owns a million billion unicorns. At least the penguins will have verified checkmarks now.

Hey guys, you know what's so crazy? We've got this amazing new segment coming up on the show, and I'm so excited about it. It's like, we take these regular people and they do these incredible things, and you guys are gonna love it, it's gonna be so much fun!

¡Wow, qué gran público! Hola, chicos. He estado practicando unos chistes fantásticos para el show de talentos de la escuela. Wendy dice que soy muy gracioso, y Eric... bueno, ya saben cómo es él. ¡Espero que les guste mi nueva rutina de comedia!

Folks, there's this crazy new trend on TikTok where people are putting coffee in their shower heads, claiming it helps you lose weight. I mean, come on. First gelatin, now this? And somehow they're saying Taylor Swift endorses it. She doesn't, by the way.

Hey guys, so I'm backstage right now, and I just found this amazing rubber chicken in my dressing room. Like, who put this here? I'm not even - wait, is this thing squeaking by itself? Oh man, The Roots are gonna love this. Yeah, that's totally going in the show tonight.

Wow, what a t-t-terrific audience! You guys are great, very much. Have you ever n-n-noticed that people are extra nice to you when you’re on crutches? I tried to... to... order a burger, and they gave me the whole... whole... cow for f-f-free! Thank you!